


the only thing that's ever stopping me is me (hey!)

by capra, chupacabra (butyoumight)



Series: live with me forever (just not for long) [3]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn, Soft Boys, and yet so sweet, being absolute dumbasses, boys being dumb about their crushes, text message conversations, zuzuthan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:15:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21712843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capra/pseuds/capra, https://archiveofourown.org/users/butyoumight/pseuds/chupacabra
Summary: Right now, in the dim evening alone with the bright glow of his phone, Yuzu's full of words. Full to the brim with 'I miss you. I want to hold you. I can't wait to kiss you.' Now that he knows they will make a plan together, secretly skate together again, he can't stop remembering the press of Nathan's fingers curving around his waist.OR: Yuzu texts Nathan after Nathan posts a backflip video on instagram. The conversation wanders, both of them are shy and smitten, and secret plans are made.
Relationships: Nathan Chen/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: live with me forever (just not for long) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1310987
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	the only thing that's ever stopping me is me (hey!)

**Author's Note:**

> so what we're learning, after the Saitama press conference and now the GPF Turin conference, is that when you put these two boys beside each other in front of microphones, they'll basically just verbally make out with each other for twenty minutes.  
> 
> 
> holy shit, y'all.
> 
> in honor of them being Like That, here's another installment of our 'long-distance relationship boyfriends' IRL-based AU. 
> 
> Since it's been AGES since I last updated this series, here's a refresher:  
> In this AU, canon events remain the same; what changes is that Yuzu and Nathan have been in an unofficial friends with benefits relationship...arrangement...thing...since 2017. But these days, it's become way more than FWB, to both of them.
> 
> Problem is, they promised each other nothing would ever come before the ice.
> 
> So what do they do, now that they're catching feelings? Easy: Keep secrets and *definitely* never actually talk to each other about it.
> 
> _**Great**_ plan, boys.
> 
> title from Fall Out Boy's song _stay frosty royal milk tea_  
>  nathan's texts are preceded by >> and yuzu's by >

###  **the only thing that's ever stopping me is me (hey!)**

\----------------

_**August 11th, 2019** _ ****

\----------------

Yuzu rewatches the four-second video clip approximately twelve times before he manages to close Instagram and open iMessage. It's around midnight, and he's taking a break from his studying. He meant to catch up on his social media in a somewhat comprehensive way, but it's been twelve hours or so since the clip dropped. By now, a large proportion of the accounts he follows have retweeted some variant of the clip, or its associated instastories, and the relevant hashtags he follows are completely saturated with it. 

It was a slow news day, it seems, other than  _ this _ . 

_ >so. a backflip? _

\----------

It's not super late in California, but Nathan should still probably be at least getting ready for bed when the message comes in. The thing is, he'd have just ignored it, swiped the notification away on his watch and dealt with it in the morning, except... Well, it's  _ that _ ringer. 

He reaches the message, and a sheepish smile for no one spreads across his face. He digs his phone out of his pocket and opens the conversation. 

_ >>u saw, huh?  _

_ >>what did u think?  _

\----------

Yuzu thinks he probably should have decided how he was going to translate and phrase his comments  _ before _ texting Nathan. Now, he doesn't feel comfortable taking as long as he usually would to choose his words because it would leave Nathan hanging, and might worry him.

> _ I think it looks awesome _

_ >you come down so hard on landing, but it's both feet! what does it feel like? Is it like jumps?  _

_ >btw is not criticism _

_ >I am curious _

Gah. He could have phrased that much more elegantly, and concisely, if he'd taken his time with it. Oh well. What's sent is sent. 

\----------

Nathan's not surprised at all that Yuzu has a list of questions ready and waiting. He wonders how long ago he saw the backflip, if he's been thinking about it all day or just recently. 

_ >>thanks.  _

The question catches him up, because he wants to be able to describe it fully. He wants Yuzuru to have all the information he wants. 

_ >>it doesn't feel like a jump at all, really. it's not the right axis, you know? you're moving through the air but it's not really on an arc.  _

_ >>the landing is kind of funny, because more of my weight landed on my left side, not my right.  _

_ >>maybe u should try it.  _

\----------

Yuzu happily curls his body around his phone, smiling into its glow. 

_ >what's your pivot? Bellybutton? _

Nathan's suggestion makes him frown, but he refuses to let it weigh him down. It's a fair suggestion, but not one he's even going to entertain taking up. 

_ >no~ I can't predict what that angle would do to it _

\----------

_ >> lower. kinda like the hip, tailbone? That's what you rotate around, to keep your head clear of the ice. _

Nathan thinks about it again. The rush, the silence and held breath. 

>> _ you don't need as much momentum as you do for a regular jump. it's all physics.  _

_ >> it looks worse than it is. It was like landing from that overhead kick i do.  _

\----------

As he reads Nathan's texts, Yuzu gets a distinct impression of a particular rhythm of breath. It may just be deductive - it's easy to guess what the necessary tempo would be by extrapolating from the tempo of breath he already knows before a jump - but, maybe just because they're texting back and forth so quickly, he feels like it's a little more, like he actually has a sense of Nathan's breath. 

_ Poetic, but no,  _ he sighs at himself.  _ It's just from observing the video. _

The make-believe feels good, though.

_ >regular jumps are all physics too _

> (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

_ > the cabri _

Yuzu pauses typing to Google briefly. French is even worse than English. 

_ > the cabriole? _

_ > still, very acute forward ankle, long calf extension. I'd fret. Looks fun but I will wait to try it until I'm not using my ankle for anything harder than it~ _

_ >... besides, I just can watch you. _

Yuzu's  _ pretty _ sure his blush won't translate through the text. He hopes.

\----------

_ >>ok ok you got me there, but that's not really what i meant. how i meant. idk.  _

_ >>it's like. Once you're in the air with a normal jump, you have to do a lot of work to stay in the air to complete rotation? but once you pick off for the back flip, it's like.  _

Nathan pauses for a long moment, possibly too long. Yuzu's probably going to get jumpy if he doesn't finish his thought in a minute, but the problem is... He doesn't know how to finish the thought. 

Well, this is Yuzu. He wants all the information, but he understands that you can't always get it from one source. 

>> _ I don't really know how to describe it. it felt easier, somehow, than a normal jump. like quads require so much work. and singles feel.... weird. _

Yuzuru takes a moment to find the right spelling, and Nathan laughs to himself because he sure doesn't know how to spell most French words either. Next time they see each other he'll have to show Yuzu all the best screenshots in his 'roasted by ro for my shitty french spelling' folder. 

>> _ I guess it's kind of like cabriole? idk i just call it that round kick i put in next to me. it's in my new lp too.  _

Which brings him to another thought.

_ >>if u saw the flip did you see anything else? ;)  _

\----------

_ >singles aren't weird! _

_ >well maybe normal ones are _

_ >you know how I love delayed one~ _

_ >but if you think how to better explain it, tell me. I want to hear all. _

Yuzu hesitates before answering. He could be very honest; he could hedge and misdirect; he could be a bit honest, and a bit hedgey.

That one sounds safest. 

_ >oh yes, your elton john! i like it so far. the round kick is nice. is your steps going to stay a straight line sequence? like 6.0 used to? very dai~  _ ヾ(´︶`*)ﾉ♬

\----------

>> _ they don't  _ **_look_ ** _ weird but they feel weird. like you're coming down too hard because you haven't been up long enough.  _

He pauses thoughtfully on that one. He knows Yuzu wants to hear everything, and he feels a bit sheepish that he can't find the words to describe the feeling. 

>> _ it's like coming down from a handstand, but harder. And on ice.  _

Yuzu's next reply takes a little longer, and Nathan spends every minute of the delay cursing himself for asking such a stupid question. What did he expect Yuzu to say? These were competitive programs, this was the part of their lives that had to be on the orbit or it would bring it all crashing down. 

_ >>i dunno for sure. it's not quite finished.  _

\----------

The reply that takes the longest is clearly the one where Nathan's concentration lays, so that's the one Yuzu zeroes in on. And, giggling, he knows exactly what to say. 

_ >ah, I know I know!  _

(っ﹏-))

_ > mine take forever too... _

_ > I think I usually finish them around... worlds?  _

(*≧▽≦)ﾉｼ))

\----------

_ >>don't be silly, you don't have to play coy with me. _

_ >>i know your programs are never truly finished.  _

\----------

_ >I'm not playing coy! they do finish, some of them. and some others are done, even if i never finished them. _

_ >some take several years. _

Yuzu sends the text before he can overthink it. It's true enough, and he's repeated many - Chopin, Seimei, even Romeo and Juliet, in a way. He even used Notte Stellata for two years.

\----------

>> _ lol exactly. just 'cause you're done doesn't mean you finished.  _

_ >>it's cool though. it's nice to see so much development even where you're at, with a control like that.  _

\----------

Yuzu's stymied. He's not sure if Nathan means 'you' as in Yuzu specifically, or the general rhetorical 'you.' And he's not sure what Nathan means by 'control' - of his own skating?

_ >it's not fair~ _

_ >i have to wait a whole month longer to see your skates than you will have to wait to see mine. _

\----------

Yuzuru steps right around Nathan's statement, and he wonders if he's upset him somehow, or insulted him maybe. Maybe he just wasn't very clear, but.. Well, Yuzu's still texting him, so he just responds to what he can. 

>> _ only sort of!  _

_ >>i don't even know what you're skating to :P _

\----------

Yuzu thinks about how many times he's watched the videos from Sun Valley. The practice videos especially, where Nathan's thoughtful expressions and little mental calculations were on clear display. He bites his lip around a flushed smile.

_ >true! you have given lots to think about already. _

_ >well, you have only a month to wait to find out! but... _

Does he really want to do this? Really?

_ >as i said, some programs take a couple years. _

_ ﾍ(=^･ω･^= )ﾉ _

The text sends. Yuzu spends the next few seconds very still, curled around his phone waiting for Nathan's reply bubbles to pop up, with a hot, nervous knot in his stomach.

_ (I can't believe I just did that.) _

\----------

>> _ and i did it just for you :P  _

He hopes the joking tone of the tongue-out emoticon is going to be enough for Yuzuru to understand that he's just playing along, that he's not really putting that much out on the ice like that. This is what he always does. Yuzuru has his media day, Nathan skates at Sun Valley. 

_ >>oh. Oh! Cool!  _

He really means it, too. Yuzuru's programs are always amazing, obviously, but as he said, watching his programs grow when he does the same one with more practice and ease (and hopefully less injury) is just as delightful as the surprise of a whole new program. 

_ >>which one? or, both?  _

\----------

_ cool, _ Nathan sends,  _ cool! _ he says, and Yuzu breathes a little easier.  _ cool _ , he said, and Yuzu has to believe he feels.

But more than whether or not Nathan  _ approves _ \-- which wasn't at all what Yuzu was waiting for -- Nathan  _ answered _ , and didn't  _ freak out _ , and Yuzu realizes he's curled a little too tightly, and should really straighten out his shoulders and back and breathe more carefully. He does so, laying on his back on his bed, holding his phone over his head to type with both hands.

_ >you'll have to wait and see~ _

_ >I can't give -everything- away! _

\----------

_ >>well fine then.  _

_ >>it's gonna be a long month :(  _

Nathan rolls over onto his side, leaning back to crack his back and consider what he wants to say next. He never wants to leave conversations with Yuzu, particularly not text ones where they both feel very free and secret and special. 

At least, he does. He hopes Yuzu does too. 

_ >>how's everything else going up there?  _

\----------

_ >it iiiiis _

_ >it goes so fast and so slow the closer it comes. every time, there is never enough time _

The conversation's moving on, and feels comfortable and easy, and Yuzu is starting to feel like it was silly to even be scared. So he told Nathan what his programs are going to be, so what!

_ 'So what?'  _ squeaks the nervous voice in the back of his head. Oh, sure! It's not like he told his most likely rival for the GPF and Worlds titles what his programs would be before the rest of the world. It's not like he revealed a significant clue about his season's plan, and by extension next season's plan, in an illogical, emotional impulse, to the competition!

Actually...it's  _ not _ . He just... told Nathan.

Somehow, that's different. Yuzu can't explain how or why, but it  _ is. _

And it fills him with a little warm glow to imagine that Nathan knows that. That he didn't freak out, didn't really make a fuss at all, because this is different. This is just Yuzu and Nate - though Yuzu still can't make himself call Nathan that out loud - and that's all. Just them.

It's pretty much wonderful.

_ >i was supposed to be studying, _ he writes.

> _ i got distracted~ _

_ >(*/ω＼*) _

_ >things are good here in most. i don't know if i can tell you this, but i think it's okay, jason is doing very very good and i'm very happy for him. it's funny, we are the same age. it doesn't feel like it! but he is just so sweet. _

_ >it's not the same obviously, but it's still nice _

_ >zhenya says jun is lots of fun to joke around with, but he and i haven't really connected like that yet. i think he is just very focused because his growth spurt. _

_ > (≧∀≦ゞ _

_ >there was a commotion a little while ago. some noise about one of the novices - maybe intermediate, i do not know, they are all just small - posted her jump, but i was in the bg. it went badly. i told her it was ok, but i don't think she believed me. _

_ > (=ω= ;) _

Yuzu realizes he's sent what nearly amounts to a light novel, and he reels himself in, worrying his lip between his teeth.

_ >oops, i talk too much, sorry~~ (//ω//) _

\----------

_ >>oh no _ . 

He means it, too. Being a distraction is all well and good, when a distraction is  _ wanted _ . 

>> _ you want me to write you a note to take to your professor?  _

That's a bit lighter. Keep the tone of the conversation friendly, soft. Safe. 

The rest of the messages come in a big block, practically an email, but Nathan doesn't mind. He savors each one, knowing that Yuzu is only so candid with him, not just about himself but about his environment, his training mates and all, because he trusts him to keep him safe. That's good. That's nice. 

_ >>don't apologize. i asked! _

_ >>that's you all over, causing some commotion just trying to warm up, huh.  _

_ >>I hope she's okay though. It's tough even for me, and you and tcc are a lot more secretive.  _

\----------

_ >it's ok it's ok! i wanted distraction, studying is stuck and i have done enough for today _

_ >i do not think professor would care actually _

_ >there is very little punishment for being late with papers _

_ >it's hard to stay motivated sometimes _

Yuzu can't help but smile. How is Nathan so... _ good  _ at this?

_ >yes unfortunately _

_ >i have made sure not to stay any further or closer to her than i did before. i do not want her to have to think on it any more. it was not her fault. she should continue as she has. _

_ >brian sent an all-club email though. i hate when he does that. _

_ >you train at an open rink now right? do you like it better or less than at rink where only professionals go? _

\----------

>> _ that sounds wild  _

Nathan knows perfectly well that he's the odd one out in this situation, at least for right now. But it does still catch him off guard sometimes to remember that while a lot of them are students alongside being figure skaters, it's a looser definition of of the word. 

_ >>yeah that's probably for the best  _

_ >>yikes :( does he do that for anyone else?  _

_ >>i dunno, it's still mostly closed sessions that I attend when I'm home, so like there's younger skaters but we're all the same kind.  _

_ >>what's really different is going home and having lots of people on the ice at the same time. i got kind of used to being alone.  _

\----------

Yuzu can't help but pout a little. Nathan doesn't have to be a brat about it. 

_ >I know it is sooooooo crazy, thinking I could be unmotivated about anything _

_ >(╯’□’)╯︵ ┻━┻ _

_ >but it's not fun if it's not hard _

Yuzu kind of regrets mentioning Brian at all now. He didn't want to be thinking about that part of, well. His influence, as Nathan put it. But now he can't stop. He figures he'd better just deflect. 

_ >Brian does not send all club emails often _

_ >and I do not know if he sends them about other things like this. I am not on the mailing list. Mama tells me what I need to know.  _

_ >╮(︶▽︶)╭ _

_ >oh sorry! I know Rafa's rink is closed, I meant the one at yale _

_ >(-ω- ?) _

Yuzu smiles, a little amused. But he knows he'd better not show it. Last time he'd talked to Nathan, Nathan had talked about how much he missed having people around, how skating by himself was odd. And now, not being alone has become odd to him. 

He hopes his sympathy comes through in his words. 

_ >it is hard to keep getting used to new things right before they change again. _

\----------

_ >>that's not what i meant!  _

Nathan feels the need to clarify. He does that sometimes, says things in a colloquial or unexplicit way and forgets that his meaning might not hit Yuzuru right away. 

_ >>i meant it's wild that your professors don't care. it's so different from what i do.  _

There's something about his tone about Brian and his emails and his mom telling him what he does or doesn't need to know that indicates that this isn't where Yuzu wants the conversation to linger, so he moves on. 

_ >>well i go to the open skate times at the Whale sometimes but usually I just use my own hour. then it's not just the closed rink, it's the empty one  _

\----------

_ >ohh i see. ok, I will not be cross then~ _

_ >well... _

Yuzu hesitates. He's sure he's not comfortable with this, with the way his professors treat him specially, just because he's him. But he's also aware he needs the special treatment if he's to hav a chance of finishing his degree before he retires from competitive skating. So it's something that's always given him a bit of a conflicted feeling. When Nathan entered Yale, that complicated feeling multiplied.

But while Yuzu isn't comfortable with his own emotions about this, he *is* comfortable with Nathan, so...

He decides to split the difference.

_ >I'm always surprised by it too. Professors have so much patience for me. I try my best to deserve it. _

There. That's honest, and suggests the complexity of the underlying issue, but doesn't linger too long on a topic that isn't enjoyable or comfortable.

_ >the Whale, _

he types instead, following the conversation where Nathan leads it.

_ >why is the rink called a Whale? is that the club name? _

_ >so, you do like the empty rink better? is it more peaceful? _

_ > _ (´･ω･`)

\----------

Nathan's getting better and better at telling when Yuzu wants a topic to drop off their text threads, or at least he hopes he is. He feels like he is, because he hasn't had to be told  _ let's not talk about this anymore _ , and he hasn't been told  _ you never answered this thing _ , so clearly he's doing something right.

_ >>haha. no, it's proper name is Ingalls Rink. everyone calls it the Whale because it looks like one. _

_ >> _ [ https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/eb/Ingalls_Rink_Highsmith.jpg/800px-Ingalls_Rink_Highsmith.jpg ](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/eb/Ingalls_Rink_Highsmith.jpg/800px-Ingalls_Rink_Highsmith.jpg)

>> _ see? the lights are the tail.  _

_ >>I dunno, actually. There's pros and cons to both ways. It can be really lonely.  _

\----------

_ >aaa, i see it! it is so cute! kujira-kun~ _

_ > ~ ~ ~~ _

~~.><((( **.** ______)

_ ~ ~ ~ _

_ >゜)))>< ~ ~~ _

_ >i think you know cricket but here, besides _

[ _ https://canadatour2015.weebly.com/uploads/1/2/1/7/12178906/7333839_orig.jpg _ ](https://canadatour2015.weebly.com/uploads/1/2/1/7/12178906/7333839_orig.jpg)

_ because it is not cute. it looks like a barn with a spider on the top. only its name is cute. _

_ >but I still love it _

_ >i've never been lonely on the ice,  _ Yuzu continues, thinking about the many, many rinks he's called 'home' - or at least, as much home as a hotel room becomes while you stay there - over the years.

_ >well, maybe I was, when I was a lot younger. but I don't remember it if i was. I was very excited and intense about it, _

_ >and then when I had to move around a lot, I was always a guest on someone else's ice. I was happy they would share it with me. there were always people around. _

_ >i think by the time I got to cricket I had stopped expecting to have an ice of my own. when I got there it was javi's ice, and I was coming to train with him, at his home. I was there because Brian had javi's permission _

_ >last year, it was very odd. I discovered it's MY ice now _

_ >and everyone else feels like they are the guests _

_ >aahh i'm sorry, i talked a lot again _

_ > ヾ(_ _。） _

\----------

>> _ omg the little fish  _

_ >>i think the inside is pretty but idk what the outside looks like...  _

Nathan consumes the extra-long messages slowly, in small bites. Every little bit of insight he gets into the deeper, more still parts of Yuzuru's thoughts and feelings, he feels extra blessed for. And so this is such a beautiful little thing Yuzuru has shared with him. 

>> _ don't apologize.  _

He wants to make sure Yuzu keeps being this open with him. 

_ >>that's really interesting. it didn't even feel like 'yours' after sochi?  _

\----------

Yuzu shakes his head with a huff, then catches himself, realizing Nathan can't  _ see _ that, obviously. Or hear it.

_ >hff. no-- just the gold was mine. also, i fell. _

_ >but ice was still javi's. _

_ >last year it became mine because he _

Yuzu hesitates for a long few moments, fingers hovering over the glowing keyboard of his phone. L, E, F, T...

\--But he can't, can’t make himself type it.

_ >does not train there anymore. _

_ >it is also gabby's ice right now. it will be gabby's ice until she doesn't train here, and then it will belong to the next most senior ladies' at cricket. and the next most senior men's after me. & to be continued _

\----------

_ >>I see _ .

And he does, he thinks. It's not actually about who gets the most attention or has the most focus or the most laurels or accolades. It's about who's been there the longest. Which makes sense. 

_ >>i guess it was like that with me sometimes. not the ice specifically, but with raf? i'd been with him the longest so everyone kind of deferred to me even if they were older than me.  _

\----------

_ >Was? _

Yuzu wasn't expecting that, to be honest. Even if Nathan wasn't at Raf's rink for much of the year, he still  _ was  _ there for part of it, and he still called it home. Right?

_ >you have been with rafa even longer than ashley and adam were? _

\----------

>> _ yeah. it seems weird right?  _

_ >>I'd already been with Raf for two years when Ashley started with him. Adam came not long after I did but I think it took a little longer for Raf to warm up to him, lol.  _

\----------

_ >no, that is not what i mean _

_ >it is not weird to me that you are the leader at your rinks _

_ >that much seems natural, even despite you being younger _

_ >things in the west are not so strictly age-based like they are in japan, so you can be a senpai kouhai. _

_ >but, 'was'? _

Yuzu grimaces, just a little, at the last bit of Nathan's text. The reply is typed almost before he has to think about it, though he hesitates for a few moments before finally deciding to send it.

_ >ah. well, adam came to raf from brian. _

Does he really need to say more than that?

\----------

>> _ well it's not so weird anymore but it really kind of was weird a couple years ago _

_ >>i mean i was this little 12 year old and everyone made way for me _

_ >>and not just because they were afraid of running me over though i guess there was that too  _

He considers the next bit carefully before answering. Honest, but careful. 

_ >>i feel like a guest at Raf's new rink. I only train there in the summer, and even then it's only part of the summer.  _

_ >>it almost feels like... when I'm there, and all his new students are there too, it's like,  _ **_wow thanks so much for sharing your time with us on our ice_ ** _ you know?  _

\----------

_ >oh nooo, now i am picturing tiny nathan being run over and that is awful but cute _

_ > Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ _

It takes a while for Nathan's next few texts to arrive. Yuzu's not surprised by that, especially once he reads them, and he takes his time replying, too.

_ >I forgot that rafa has new rink now. I did not think about that. I'm sorry, I am talking about your rink but you aren't at it anymore. _

_ > (╯︵╰,) _

He resists the impulse to say 'I know what that's like,' or something like that. The fact is, he doesn't - and just because he knows of a different kind of loss, doesn't mean he knows  _ this _ loss, the way that  _ Nathan  _ feels the loss of parting from a place that is still there to look back at and miss.

_ >they aren't respectful to you? or, they don't welcome you to join them? _

Yuzu wishes either scenario seemed less probable to him than it does.

\----------

>> _ you should have seen me playing hockey.  _

_ >> i really thought i might grow up to be a great goalie  _

Yuzu seems genuinely worried that he upset Nathan some how, and Nathan shakes his head at his phone as if that's going to make it through to Yuzu.

_ >>no it's okay. i still forget it sometimes still too.  _

_ >>oh no no quite the opposite! that probably seemed sarcastic but it wasn't.  _

>> _ they're genuinely glad to have me but i'm this like. idol to them instead of just another skater.  _

\----------

_ >yabai yabai yabai, _

Yuzu writes, because nothing in English conveys what he needs to, and Nathan can either look it up or ignore it. No English word can convey the mixture of 'dangerously cute' and 'annoyingly cute' and 'so cute i'm mad about it' and 'so cute i'm at risk' all in one word. And that mental image?  _ Totally _ yabai.

_ >i want to see video! i want to see. you have to send me some. tiny nathan and big goalie pads?? _

> *＊✿❀☆⌒(ᗒヮᗕ)っ❀✿＊*

_ >oh! _

_ >oh. _

_ >i think i know what you mean. _

_ > Ó╭╮Ò _

_ >it's almost lonelyer than skating all by yourself, yes? _

\----------

_ >>i don't think i have any video of that. you'd have to ask my mom  _

_ >>and yes but probably not as big as you're thinking :P _

_ >>oh no that face is really sad. it's okay. i've got to be preaching to the choir right?  _

\----------

_ >are you giving me permission!! _

_ >ヾ(≧▽≦*)o _

_ >choir? _

_ >...oh! i did not know that phrase. now i have learned it _

_ > !!(･∇･｀ゞ _

_ >so, yes. you and i understand this. _

(No one else in the men's field does.)

\----------

>> _ sure. i'd love to see her and you communicate ;)  _

_ >>oh, yes. like in a church? the choir is always there so they always already know what the preacher is talking about. See?  _

_ >>so yeah. it's almost too respectful. i don't feel like i'm really welcome on the ice as myself, just as my career. And a lot of them go overboard trying to stay out of my way.  _

_ >>so in that way, skating alone at the Whale is nice.  _

\----------

_ >i appreciate it very much~ _

_ >m(_ _)m _

Yuzu is still for a moment, remembering their meeting in Montreal - their stolen weekend. Just the two of them, as far off the grid as one really can go, being  _ them _ . Just an empty rink, and the two of them.

_ >skating alone with you was nice. _

_ >｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡⛸⛸･:*:･ﾟ☆⛸⛸ _

\----------

_ >>yeah. I liked that too. I wish we could do it again. _

Nathan exhales, an impulse coming over him suddenly. Before he can second-guess it, he chases it.

_ >>....we  _ **_should_ ** _ do it again. _

_ >>you should come to new haven. just for a day. we can get a hotel and you can see the campus and we can skate at the Whale.  _

\----------

_ >yes _

_ > _ **_yes_ **

_ >I want to see your world _

\----------

Nathan almost can't believe the answer is so vehement, so immediate. So relentlessly agreeing. 

He really thought he was going to have to work harder. 

>> _ cool. god, yes. it'll be awesome. _

_ >>send me your schedule. pre-season events and stuff. we'll find a time that suits us both.  _

\----------

_ >yes yes I will _

_ >but I do not know how soon I can do it  _

_ >( ＿ ＿)ノ _

_ >maybe end September at earliest _

_ >（ノ－＿－）ノ･･･~┻┻ _

_ >m(_ _)m _

\----------

>> _ don't worry, it'll take me a little bit to find the time. i haven't even moved back yet. _

_ >>but we'll make it happen. if I can't skate with you at cricket, you can skate with me at the Whale  _

\----------

_ >oh! right, that happens in the autumn _

Yuzu bites his lip. There  _ isn't _ any way for Nathan to skate at Cricket. It's somehow even more frustrating, knowing that they're so physically close to each other, that so much of their competitive season will be spent on the same corner of the same side of the planet, and that it's still completely unthinkable for Nathan to visit Cricket. Not that the physical proximity has anything to do with the why of it.

Nor is it because Nathan is Nathan - though that would certainly, Yuzu's sure, be the first assumption made. Hell,  _ Shoma _ probably could have come to Cricket with less questions raised, especially given his world tour of coaching camps over the summer. Sure, people would wonder whether Yuzu really wanted to share his ice with his  _ kouhai,  _ but they'd at least  _ wonder _ .

_ No one  _ would believe he'd welcome Nathan in the same way.

But, to be fair, they'd all be on the wrong track.

Yuzu knows Brian. He knows, too, that Brian knows  _ Yuzu _ , knows what Yuzu will do when he's latched onto an idea. So he knows Brian would shoot the idea of a visit down in half a second, and he'd be right to do it, because Yuzu himself should, and wouldn't. There are some lines that can't be crossed, and Cricket's front door is one of them. Cricket is Yuzu's home. It is the place, and contains the people, who have been the most important influences to the most important part of his life. But it's also a place full of years of unchanged routine and ritual. patterns and rules that make Yuzu powerful, that help him focus, that keep him in control of his self, his body, and his concentration. To break those patterns would be catastrophic.

Brian won't let anything, or  _ anyone _ , into Cricket that could mess with his skaters, and that includes Yuzu, perhaps most of all these days. There's no guaranteeing that inviting Nathan's presence as a guest won't break something - and if they try, they won't know until it's too late.

So, Yuzu would love to be able to invite any of his friends to skate with him at Cricket. But he can't, and he won't. He doesn't regret his determination. But he can still regret that it gets in the way of other things.

Nathan, though, Nathan can invite Yuzu to the Whale, mixing up his schedule and welcoming Yuzu into his environment, and it won't mess him up. It won't throw off...probably, anything. Yuzu spares another envious thought for Nathan's ability to adapt, to accommodate, without ever losing track of his own shape and his own internal music.

So, the Whale it is.

_ >i didn't think we'd get to repeat Montreal, _

he writes back. Only after he has already sent it does he realize what  _ else _ that sounds like, vividly remembering that the rink wasn’t the only kind of privacy they had shared, and blushes crimson.

\----------

Nathan realizes during the long long break between the two texts that he's said something with more depth, possibly even caused some hurt or distress, without meaning to. 

He didn't mean to make Yuzu feel ashamed for not being able to welcome him to Cricket. He didn't think of it that way. 

He's not entirely sure he'd be comfortable skating at Cricket himself. 

He's not inviting Yuzu to come skate with him in LA, after all. He wouldn't be able to subject Yuzu to Raf, to the other students. To any of that.

This concept only works because Nathan is already doing something unprecedented. Self-training. He's in charge of the Whale during that hour every day. No one else to get in their way. (not even well-meaning ice rink desk clerks.) 

But it's obviously caused some hesitation of some kind in Yuzuru, so he sighs when the next text comes in.

_ >>you know, i hoped we might be able to some day, but i didn't really think it might be so soon.  _

\----------

Yuzu tells himself his chest isn't tight.

_ >is it too soon? _

Suddenly this conversation seems to be teetering on the edge of being an entirely different discussion.

\----------

>> _ no. god no. couldn't be soon enough I think.  _

_ >>not too soon.  _

_ >>I wish I'd thought of the idea sooner.  _

\----------

_ >Oh. Oh, good. _

_ >good.  _

_ >I'm glad. _

_ >I didn't think of it at all, so don't be hard on yourself. _

Yuzu decides he'll blame the hour of night for the tightness in his chest, the way that  _ 'god no. couldn't be soon enough' _ makes his heart clench. It sounds almost like - it  _ almost _ sounds like - something else. Something Nathan doesn't mean, that Yuzu is reading into his words.

But, the way that that feeling is building, despite himself, means that it's too late at night to keep talking like this. He's feeling impulsive, and it's too risky, maybe.

Because  _ I miss you  _ wouldn't sound like a wise choice of words in the light of day, when the work and the ice remind him of his responsibilities and the agreements he's made. But right now, Yuzu's full of words. Full to the brim with  _ I miss you. I want to hold you. I can't wait to kiss you _ . Now he knows they'll make a plan together, skate together again, and now he can't stop thinking about the press of Nathan's fingers curving around his waist.

_ >I am enjoying our conversation,  _

he writes, sacrificing his informal tone to ensure the clarity of his intent,

_ >very much. but it has gotten late and I do not want to fall asleep while talking with you, it would be very rude. So I think I should say goodnight now.  _

_ > (｡•́︿•̀ ) _

_ > _ ♡(ŐωŐ人)

_ > _ ✧( •˓◞•̀ )

\----------

>> _ okay. I'll try not to. _

Nathan catches the shift in Yuzu's tone, the carefully constructed sentence leading to another carefully constructed sentence, and for the first time in a while, his eyes flick up to the clock display. 

_ >>you're right, i should have been asleep an hour ago!  _

_ >>don't fall asleep with your phone in your hand!  _

_ >>goodnight  _

He hesitates. Debates. Struggles. Then finally says,

>> _ sleep well.  _

\----------

_ >Aah, I'm sorry to keep you up! I'm a bad influence~ _

_ > (/▽＼) _

_ >I hope you can still get enough sleep _

_ > (∪｡∪)｡｡｡zzz _

_ >I'll put my phone down right after this _

_ > _

_ ∧__∧  
_ _ ( •ω• )  
_ _ ｜つ _ _ ／(＿＿＿  
_ _ ／└-(＿＿＿_／ _

_ ￣￣￣￣￣￣ _

_ ＜⌒／ヽ-_＿  
_ _ ／＜_/＿＿＿_／ _

_ ￣￣￣￣￣￣ _

_ >Sleep well~ _

Yuzu hesitates. Still there's too many dangerous words pressing at the back of his teeth, trying to get out, and he bites down on them. But there's a few safe ones left to say, into which he can pour all of the depth of emotion that all the unsafe words want to reveal. 

_ > _ **_Skate_ ** _ well.♡ _

  
  
*  
  


**Author's Note:**

> now that was fun, wasn't it? 
> 
> this series is our _baby,_ and we've got so so much of it to share with you. (currently sitting at 15+ fics unposted.) we hope you love these dumbass soft soft soft boys half as much as we do.
> 
> this fic's cute, fluffy, and soft, so it'll remain unlocked for the moment, but comment moderation is on cause i'm not a dumbass, and if we have problems, the whole thing is getting locked down.
> 
> but not all the fics in this series are soft, so there are archive-restricted parts, too. so if you'd like to see the whole story, you're going to need an account on AO3. I can help with that if you like - just comment below.
> 
> lastly, if you'd like to make sure not to miss any of Nate and Yuz's soft dumbass adventures, subscribe to the _live with me forever (just not for long)_ series here: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1310987
> 
> thank you for reading.


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